Yeah, I know this isn't to do with Starfox, but it''s my site so I can do as I jolly well please. This was written for Nintendoland
KING K. ROOL v KING BOWSER KOOPA
A large crowd is gathering at the mushroom kingdom tonight. Anyone who is anyone in the world of Nintendo is there. From the world famous links (All three of them), to the lowly koopa troopers, dressed in their finest colored shells, down to those people so obscure, most people probably won't even remember them
Axle gear: Hay, I'm not obscure! ONE DAY I WILL RULE THE WORLD!
Koopa trooper: shut up.
Axle gear: sorry.
Yes, they are all here, and there here for one reason; to see two fighters beat the stuffing out of each other.
As everyone takes their seats in the Nintendo deathmatch stadium, an expectant hush falls over the crowd, broken only by the slight rustling of a para goombas wings. Suddenly, the stadium erupts in lights and music, as explosions accompany fireworks into the sky, creating a perfect N cube. The masses cheer deliriously as high above the crowds, the cube disperses and two familiar figures step into the commentating booth
Mario: It's-a-me, Mario!
Luigi: Yeah, yeah. I'm here too
Mario: Well, folks. We had an explosive match last week, and tonight, is going to be one heck of a fight.
Luigi: Yep. That's right, you tell them, M.
Mario: Yes tonight, we are proud to present the fight between....
At this point, Mario realises, to his dismay, that in the rush of the week, Him and the committee forgot to pick a deathmatch
Mario (To Luigi): L. We have a problem. We haven't organised a deathmatch for this week!
Luigi: Oh man! How'd this happen! Who's turn was it on the rota?
He looks down at the schedule
Luigi: Lets see. Week one, Luigi. Week two, N-dimension dude. Week three, mari.... MARIO!!
Mario: oops. I thought I was on week six!
Down below the crowd is becoming restless.
Luigi: well, that's just great, you dipstick! Now what are we gonna do?
Mario: errrrr.... Stall?
Luigi: Oh boy....
Mario (to crowds): Well, folks. Today it looks like the deathmatch will have to be postponed....
Suddenly a figure jumps out of the crowd down to the stage
Browser: No way! I paid good money to see someone get knocked into the middle of next week! As the king of Lizards, I demand a fight!
Now, another figure jumps down into the ring
K.Rool: No! As The king of Lizards, I decree that a deathmatch occur tonight!
Browser: No way! I'm the king of lizards
K.Rool: I am!
Browser: No, me!
Luigi (To Mario): Hay, Mario, maybe we can kill two birds with one stone (To the battling kings): People! Let us settle this in a calm, mature, adult manor.
K.Rool: You mean sit around a table and discuss it?
Luigi: No. I mean knock seven bells out of each other, and provide us with a deathmatch.
Browser: Works for me.
K.Rool. Me too.
Luigi: Okay then Gentlemen, Go get ready.
The two lizard kings go off to the changing rooms to get ready.
Luigi: Phew. That was close. Mario, You EVER do that again, and we will use the backup plan.
Mario: What? You mean the one where I dress up as peach and....
Luigi: Yep. Now, start the intros. The fighters are ready!
Mario: Okay then LET'S GET IT ON!
Luigi: Player One is definitely a force to be reckoned with. Countless times he has tried to overthrow our beloved mushroom kingdom, and would probably have succeeded if it (Ah-hem) weren't for two fantastically good-looking plumbers. Ladies and gentlemen, The only person to pass princess kidnapping class with full marks, King Browser koopa!
The koopas and goombas in the auditorium cheer wildly as a large turtle jumps into the arena, flexes his muscles, and breaths out an experimental tong of Flames, toasting link the first's hot dog to a crisp
Link 1st: HAY!
Mario: Player two is no stranger to taking over worlds and kidnappings either. He has now tried four times to conquer and destroy Donkey Kong island, has kidnapped the largest stockpile of bananas of all time, Donkey and Diddy Kong, and has more costumes then a Shaskspereian actor. Ladies and gentlemen, the man who is one letter short of an alphabet, the Kommander of all Kremlings, K.Rool!
The crowd cheers as a large body flies in overhead, using an impossibly small jetpack. He land majestically in the middle of the arena, folds in the helicopter blades, and removes the pack, much to the delight of all the Kremlings.
Mario: The talking is over, so let the battle beg....
Luigi: err....Mario? We don't have a celebrity commentator.
Mario: yeah. I knew that. Let's see. umm. Dixie Kong, would you be the guest commentator?
Dixie: Why not? They wouldn't let me in DK 64.
She makes her way up to the commentary booth
Luigi: Now Mario.
Mario: Now the talking is really over. They are fighting for the title of supreme lizard king, so LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!
A kremling goes to hit the starting bell, but is stopped by a bunch of koopas who want to do the honours. A fight ensures
Link 3rd: Awww, well.
Taking a bow out of his pouch, he carefully shoots an arrow between the koopas and the Kremlings, causing the bell to ring in the key of A#
The two contestants circle each other, summing up their opponent, and taking part in the pre match banter
Browser: So, you think you can take me on, do ya? You haven't even been in a deathmatch yet!
K.Rool: Well, you havent exactly got a sparkling record, have you? I've kome to konqure!
At this browser, Mario, Luigi, Dixie and the crowd start laughing hysterically.
Browser: ha ha ha! Say you're alphabet!
K.Rool. A B K D E....
K.Rool: Don't laugh! It's a rare condition (Pun intended!) That means I can't say.... the Letter after B.
With that he clips a red cape on his shoulders, and places a crown on his head
Luigi: Wow! King K.Rool looks ready to go!
Mario: He's a king? I thought you said he was a comman...err, kommarnder!
Luigi: This is from the time he kidnapped the Kong's banana horde and stashed them on Gangplank galleon.
Dixie: He's the K.Rool from DKC 1
At this point. K.Rool makes his move. Quickly taking off his crown, he lightly tosses at browser. The spikes on top make it as deadly as any Ninja star. The projectile hits Browser directly on the snout, causing a gash on it
Browser: My face! You've ruined my beautiful face!
Mario: I'd say it was an improvement!
Browser: Shut it, plumber!
K.Rool: Take this!
with that, he hurls his crown at the koopa king once more. However, this time Browser is prepared. he shoots a jet of flames at the crown. The deadly headgear starts to melt, and by the time it reaches browser, it has turned into a lump of metal, which falls at his feet.
K.Rool: My Krown! How dare you! I paid good money for that at a boot sale!
With that, K.Rool jumps high into the air, and butt-drops on top of browser. Browser is hit directly on the front of his shell, and a small hairline crack appears.
Browser: You bastard! that will cost thousands to fix, unlike your crummy crown. Well, Two can play at that game!
Browser then lifts one foot up, and stomps the ground. Immediately, the whole arena starts to shake. Bits of plaster fall from the roof. Spectators cling to their seats for dear life. The three commentators hit the deck like a bunch of sissies. Everything moves, except for K.Rool
Mario: But.. but how? He didn't budge an inch!
Dixie: Simple. He used his....errrr. large body mass to stay routed to the spot
K.Rool: I heard that, Dixie!
K.Rool: Let's finish this!
K.Rool jumps into the air, preparing to butt-drop browser. However, Browser expected this, and lays on his belly, leaving the deadly spikes on his shell pointing upwards. K.Rool spots this too late.
K.Rool: Mother said they'd be days like this...
The spikes plunge deep into his rear end, causing him to go a funny shade of purple
He jumps up, and tries to rub it better. Browser gets up, and watches, with an amused smile on his face.
Browser: Give up now! you've got no chance.
K.Rool: Give up? But I haven't even started!
With that, he pulls off the cape, puts a lab coat on, and dons a pair of large rubber gloves and a jetpack.
Dixie: lets see how baron K.Roolenstine will handle Browser
Mario: But you said he was king K.Rool!
Luigi: This isn't going to be like that link bloodline thing, is it? This is from the time he kidnapped Donkey and Diddy Kong to use a batteries for his giant robot, Kaos
Dixie: He's the K.Rool from DKC 3
K.Rool begins the next onslaught. He takes to the sky on his jetpack, and begins to hurl wooden barrels down on the terrified turtle. Many find their mark, direct on his noggin, knocking him to the verge of unconscious.
Dixie: As Browser can't fly, it looks as if K.Rool's won.
K.Rool You pitiful beast, take this!
He pulls out a remote control, and presses an unnecessary large red button. From the top of the jetpack, a large Kannon unfolds, and aims for Browser.
K.Rool: Prepare to meet thy maker!
The kannon fires a bolt of pure electricity at Browser. Browser prepares for the impact, but then realises something.
Browser: Very good, K.Rool, except for one small flaw. That only worked before because the Kongs had Metal Barrels. but in here, there is only one metallic object....
K.Rool turns and looks at his steel jetpack
The bolt does a U-turn, and Hits K.Rool's back. 25,000 volts gallivant through his body, causing him to go into muscle spasms. The sparks then Ignite the fuel in the jetpack, blasting K.Rool down to earth with a bump. He gets up groggily, only to realise his lab coat's on fire. He then rolls around the arena floor, trying to put the flames out.
By Now, K.Rool has somewhat recovered.
K.Rool: Bah! Well, I've still got more up my sleeve....
With that, he tugs off the jetpack, gloves and what's left of the lab coat, and puts on a pair of boxing gloves and a pair of gaudy yellow shorts
Banjo: Hay! Their mine!
K.Rool: Sorry. Rare are on a budget, and they can't just lie around until your next game.
Luigi: King Rool looks ready for action.
Mario: What? A minute ago he was a baron!
Luigi: Sigh. This is from the time that K.Rool tried to destroy Kong island using his island, but everyone stopped him in a giant boxing match.
Dixie: Except me. Sniff. Sniff.
Luigi: There, there, Dixie. Let it all out.
Luigi: He's the K.Rool from DK 64.
K.Rool then gives Browser a fearsome uppercut. Browser staggers back, completely unprepared for this line of attack. K.Rool doesn't let up. The blows rain hard and fast on Browser. The hairline crack on his shell starts to grow. K.Rool then buffers him into a corner, where he swiftly kicks him in his midsection.
The blow completely winds him. K.Rool runs to the opposite side of the arena, bounces off the wall, and runs in to put the lights out for Browser.
K.Rool: Say, goodnight, sucker!
However, Browser manages to roll to the side, and K.Rool crashes into a very solid wall.
Browser: Ha! Nice try K. Drool! Now, I've taken a leaf out of tiny's book.
With that, Browser pulls out a small mushroom with a strong sent
Luigi: What's that? It's not a super mushroom.
Browser eats it, and is instantly turns into a racoon
Browser: Oops. This a mushroom from Khoonlit.
Link 2nd : Sorry. I thought I got rid of all of them.
Browser takes another mushroom out, and eats that. He transforms back into his old self, except now a fraction of the Size.
Dixie: Cranky Kong once told me about them. When he kidnapped Pauline in 1994, he used the shrinking mushrooms against Mario.
Mario: I thought that looked familiar! I must have dropped one in Browsers castle!
Luigi: I hope not. 1994? It would be well past its sell by date!
K.Rool: Fool! Now you will be even easier to crush!
Browser: Says you
K.Rool: I'm gonna make roadkill out of you!
K.Rool goes to stomp on browser, but he is now so small, he easily darts out of the way. K.Rool tries again.... and again....and again. But the koopa king is just too agile. Eventually, K.Rool collapses from exhaustion.
Browser: Now, for the Piéce de résistanse
He grows back to normal size, inhales deeply, then lets rip with a tong of fire that any charlizzard would be proud of. K.Rool catches fire . And snaps in half.
Dixie: It's a Decoy! That's Kardbord K.Rool
Mario: K.Rool's made of cardboard?
Luigi: For Pete's sake, Mario! this is his stunt double he used against the kongs
Dixie: He's a boss from DK 64
Just then a loud humming is heard from above. They all look up
Luigi: What the heck is THAT?
Mario: I..I see it, but I don't believe it.
the thing they are all staring at.... is a giant floating crocodile. A hatch on the underbelly pops open, and a figure of considerable girth jumps out, and lands in the arena.
K.Rool: I see my decoy kept you long enough for me to get the flying kroc. Gaze at it's splendour!
Browser: not impressed.
K.Rool: You will be
The slightly deranged Kremling king pulls on a red adrmial's coat, a large black hat, and a worryingly large blunderbuss
Dixie: Things are going to heat up now Kaptin K.Rool's here
Mario What? But I thought he was a cardboard Baron-king boxer!
Luigi: Mario, For the last time. This is from the time he kidnapped Donkey kong and took him to the kemling island
Dixie: Which a certain, talented chimp destroyed!
Dixie: He's the K.Rool from DKC 2
Mario: I still don't get it.
Luigi: I give up!
K.Rool: Enough! You will submit to me!
He directs his blunderbuss at Browser, pulls the trigger... and some fishes fall out
K.Rool: Drat! I knew I should have cleaned it after DKC2!
He gives the gun a kick, points it at the floor, and a flame jet propels him to the other side of the arena, knocking Browser to the floor in the process.
Browser gets to his feet, and tuns towards his opponent.
Big mistake. The moment he turns, K.Rool points the blunderbuss at him, and fires a barrel at his head from point-blank range. not only being painful, Browser now has a barrel stuck on his head
"Do you think this will stop me?" his muffled voice cries.
With that, he inhales deeply, and breaths out a flame, planning to burn the barrel off
K.Rool: Actually, I was hoping you'd do that.
In the dim light of his flame, Browser can just about read the writing in the inside of the barrel
Browser: danger - Trinitrotoluene. Hmmm. I wonder what that is?
K.Rool: You flunked chemistry. tell him, bomberman.
Bomberman: Trinitrotoluene, also called Symmetrical, is more commonly know as TNT.
At that moment, the barrel blows up. Still on the Koopa king's head. Smoke fills the arena.
Mario: Thats gonna hurt in the morning.
The smoke and debris clear, revealing a burnt and blackened Browser
Browser: but I wanna wear the pink one mummy. Who....What? Oh. yeah. YOURE GONNA DIE!!
Browser then breathes a huge jet of flames. K.Rool, however, seams unconcerned
He points his gun at the oncoming firewall, and presses the trigger. A blue cloud gently pops out of the end, and drifts lazily towards into the flames. Instantly the flames are extinguished.
K.Rool: Ice clouds. Gotta love em'.
Browser: Oh. Bother.
Luigi: It looks as if Browser's out of ideas.
K.Rool: Here's an idea for you. DIE!
K.rool pulls the switch to rapid fire, and lets rip. kannonballs, fireing at a rate of five a second, hurl themselves towards Browser.The fist volley hit the king hard and fast, knocking him over. K.Rool starts laughing hysterically. Unfortunately, he laughs so hard that his hat falls over his eyes.
K.Rool: Hay! Who turned out the lights?
Not being able to see, he unwittingly points the gun up in the air. Kannonballs fly high into the air, and take out the flying krock's engines. The mighty ship majestectily plunges towards earth.
Dixie: Once....more...you open the door...
Luigi: DIXIE! This isn't titanic!
Dixie: Sorry. I got carried away
K.Rool finally gets his hat off.
K.Rool: Arrh. Thats better. Now I can.......oh.
The last thing he sees is a 30 tonne battleship two seconds away from landing on him
Mario: I can't watch.
Dixie: I can!
They look down to see K.Rool pinned down under the wreckage
K.Rool: I'm alright....hay! I can't move
Mario: Well, K.Rool is immobilised, so that means this weeks champion, and supreme king of lizards, is Browser!
Browser climbs on top of the wreckage and bows to his adoring (?) fans. Just then his shell gives up the ghost, splitting in two and leaving it's embarrassed owner standing in his CK undies
Luigi: Well, I guess the koopas and the kremlings will tend to their leaders hurts, no-one was severely hurt, and we all had a chemistry lesson. that's was one remarkable match up, I must say. We did it this week, and were gonna do it all again in Seven days time. until then, from me Mario and Dixie, Good night!
This summary was written by the slightly deranged Jolteon