IE 7 still not ready
The long-awaited replacement for Internet Exploiter 6 (The most unstable product since nitro-glycerine) is still not ready to ship. We have decided to explain why this is.
As a large monopolising, multinational corporation, we feel it is our sworn duty to create software to the best of our abilities. At the moment, we do not feel that IE7 meets our high standards. Due to this, IE7 will not be released until the following problems can be sorted out;
It's too perfect - A significant amount of Microsoft's revenue comes from payments from ISP's for the large amount of time users have to spend on-line downloading updates to their Microsoft products. this would not be the case with IE7, as it does not need any bug-fixes.
It appears to be stable - As of yet, we have been unable to crash IE7 during beta testing. We feel this would give out false signals that Microsoft is a component company that knows what they are doing, as opposed to hiring zoo-monkeys to write the code, and lead the public to expect all our products to actually work
It loads in under fifteen minutes - As any boss will tell you, many employees blame their slow output on their atrociously slow computers. If we released a program with an average load time of 4 seconds, millions of employees would have to start actually working, instead of playing solatair
It runs too fast on a 386SX - our patented "bloatware" approach has been driving the IT industry since 1984. It is only because of the insanely high specs our badly programmed products need that companies like dell and Compaq are still in business, selling their highly overpriced computers to gullible users. we would be doing them a discredit if IE7 didn't need at least 8GB of memory and 400 Terabytes of hard disk space
IE7 can ship on a CD. - In order to help the uptake of DVD drives, we aim to make IE7 so large, it will need at least 3 high-capacity DVD-ROMS. I mean, let's face it - do you honestly think people will buy DVD drives just to watch movies? Microsoft predict that "DVD video" will never take off.....
IE7 can run on 10Kb of Memory - It is a scientific fact that people think something is more advanced if uses "magic cuircety thingies." By forcing people to buy more memory, we lull them into a false sense of thinking their computer is really cleaver and technical
It takes less than 30MB of Hard drive space - With 40GB hard disk the norm, people may think that they have loads of room, and -gasp- install NON-MICROSOFT products. This is a totally unacceptable situation - we worked damn hard killing off all competition, and we'll be damned if we leave room for anything else on a computer other then Microsoft Windows, Office, and IE!
It is fully compatible with other software - computer users only feel like they've achieved something if they had to struggle to do it. As IE7 works perfectly with every piece of soft and hardware since 1978, there's absolutely no challenge to making it do exactly what you want - Heck, IE7 is so smart, it knows what you want to do before you do, and does it for you. I mean, honestly - where's the fun in that?
It would be finished on time -Every product we've made since Dos 2.4 has failed to meet it's launch date. hay - who are we to mess with tradition?
There is a small town in Mongolia that hasn't been saturated with Microsoft advertisements yet - Need we say more? The very thought that there is some eighty year old's cat that doesn't know what IE7 is is more then enough reason to halt the launch until we have bombarded the entire worlds population with propaganda using every media known to man.
Now that we've explained the reasons, we hope you'll be happy to wait while we finish turning this quality piece of software into the normal steaming pile of dogs' droppings.
IE 6 bugs and glitches
Here is the weekly round-up of new glitches found in IE6. This brings the total number up to 14,723,845,273
-When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes.
-IE6 fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of the pentagon, the Whitehouse, and the palace of Westminster.
-IE6 Runs better on the Mac OS X than on Windows XP.
-Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra.
-Browsing to http://www.netscape.com/ crashes IE and wipes your hard drive. Waitaminute - that's not a bug........
-Turns the IntelliMouse into the StupidoMouse.
-Uninstaller for IE also deletes all installed games
-RSAC rating system blocks Microsoft.com - mistakes "ActiveX" for "sex."
-Searching for "Microsoft ethics" points you to http://www.mafia.org/.
-It doesn't make Bill any money.
A service pack to fix all the glitches will be created when we're running low on money, or when hell freezes over; Whichever comes first...