(Side note: Thoughts are in parentheses.)
A nearby TV turns on. A group of businessmen are sitting around a table.
Company Executive : Well, someone’s filed another claim. What should we do?
Company Clerk : We could try to deny it, and delay paying until they give in.
Executive: Who’s their lawyer?
Clerk: Fara Phoenix.
The Executive’s eyes bug out.
Executive: Fara Phoenix!? Are you mad? Let’s just settle this one!
Fara appears onscreen in a lawyer’s suit.
Fara: Everybody across the galaxy knows the name Fara Phoenix! Trust me, I’ll fight for you, and if I don’t win, I’ll nuke your opponents anyway! Don’t be a fool; call the law offices of Fara Phoenix today!
A disclaimer message comes on just before the commercial’s end.
Disclaimer: (Rapidly) Note: Upon winning your claim, Fara will take all the money to use for her shopping sprees. This is a dramatization; may not have hap-
Recamen: Turns off TV. Cancelled!
The doorbell rings.
Recamen: Who’d be calling me at this hour? Hm, must be another hot girl about to ask me out…
Author: HA! Yeah, right!
Ah, shut up…
He opens the door.
Recamen: Marche? Lyn? What are you two doing here?
Marche: Well, J told us to drop by here because he said he’d have a message for us.
Recamen: Really? Did he say he’d fly in?
A windowpane breaks as a brick comes flying into the room, smacking Recamen on the head and knocking him unconscious.
Marche: Whoa, the flying bricks are migrating south really early this year!
Don’t play dumb! This isn’t flying! There’s a note attached
to it! She reads.
“Dear Recamen, if this brick didn’t hit you, then my aim must not be as good as what it once was. Anyway, I have yet another interview for you to do of Fox and Wolf. Don’t worry, though, the location has already been set. With love…”
Another brick comes flying in, this time hitting Marche on the head for a KO.
Er… She picks up the other brick, and then reads the
letter attached to it.
“Disregard the ‘With love’ part. Anyway, get on with it! –Jolteon.”
She looks down at the unconscious Marche and Recamen.
I’m gonna need a little help…
Mallow: I wonder if Mario still remembers Super Mario RPG. It seems like ages since he’s last been up here…
The phone rings.
Wha? Wonder who that could be…
He picks up the phone.
Lyn: Hey, Mallow? Remember me?
Mallow: Lyn! I haven’t heard from you since that Wolf and Leon incident in La Paz! Hey, remember when they tried to grope you, so I handed you a pair of cymbals and a trapeze and WHAM?
Lyn: Giggles. I never realized how useful J’s backup plans for perverts could be!
Mallow: Backup plan!? That wasn’t the real deal! Now, if I gave you his REAL backup plan for perverts like Wolf, you would be in prison locked up with Martha Stewart for life, and the Starwolf team would’ve been wiped out! Anyway, what do you need?
Lyn paces about Recamen’s house slightly anxiously. She has waited for nearly thirty minutes, Marche and Recamen still haven’t returned to consciousness, and Mallow still hasn’t shown up yet. Then, the doorbell rings, and Lyn rushes out to meet…
Lyn: Sweet! You brought the royal bus, Mallow!
Mallow: It’s a little slow from Fara using it for a shopping trip and overloading the bus, but otherwise it’s still in good shape! Bring Recamen and Marche and let’s go!
They manage to get Recamen and Marche aboard the bus.
Bus Lakitu guy: Okay, we’re off!
The bus takes off. Meanwhile, up in the sky, a flock of flying bricks can be seen. Suddenly, a loud gunshot rings out, and one of the bricks falls to the ground.
Jolteon: Thanks, Voltz!
Voltz: Puts away his shotgun. No problem, J!
Jolteon: Hey, I’m just curious. What drug do you think the author was using when he came up with the idea of bricks being able to fly?
Ten minutes later…
The bus lands at a place called “Fox’s and Wolf’s Secret HQ.” A sign next to the HQ reads, “Please look the other way”.
Mallow: Oh, guess we should…
He looks in a different direction at another sign.
Sign: Welcome to Thorntail Hollow!
Lyn and Mallow: WHA!?
Sign: Whoops, was I talking again?
Sign: Well, yes, you are in Thorntail Hollow. Furthermore, maybe it’s best we pretended I never talked.
The sign stops talking.
Lyn: Ohhhkaaay… let’s just get going now.
Mallow and Lyn hurriedly grab Recamen and Marche and run into the secret HQ. Mallow is careful to look in a different direction, but runs straight into a wall for his trouble.
Gen. Scales: Hahahaha! This is our best plan yet, eh, Tricky?
Tricky: Bad guy!
Scales: Is that all you ever say?
Tricky: Bad guy!
Scales: Oh, forget you then. Anyway, we have Fox and Wolf all tied up!
He points to two sacks in the corner, which seem to be struggling, but to no avail.
Sack: Hey! Let us out!
Scales: Quiet! Or I’ll be forced to use Jolteon’s ULTIMATE backup plan, the most powerful backup plan ever created! It is so terrifying that Jolteon locked it away in a top-secret lab, but I got it with the help of GUN!
The sacks fall silent.
Scales: I thought so. Now then, Sharpclaw, get into those Fox and Wolf suits!
Sharpclaw soldiers: Yes, sir!
They jump into the Fox and Wolf suits.
Scales: Okay, now quickly, let’s go over what you need to say one more time! “Wolf”, if you see Recamen, what do you say?
The Sharpclaw in the Wolf outfit takes out a piece of paper, puts on a pair of reading glasses, and reads it.
“Wolf”: Welcome! I am… WOLF and this is Malon!
Scales: What? Let me see that!
Scales takes the phony Wolf’s script, crosses out the word “Malon”, then scribbles something else in. He hands a comic book back to the fake Wolf without realizing it.
Scales: Okay, NOW read it!
“Wolf”: How are you, gentlemen! All your base are belong to…
Scales: Whoops, I’m sorry. That’s my Zero Wing comic.
“Wolf”: Welcome! I am Wolf, and this here’s Fox!
Scales: There, it’s good! Now, get ready for them!
I’ve waited too long for my revenge against Recamen…
Lyn: Gah! Nothing’s working! We’ve tried smelling salts, cold water, even heavy metal rock music, and Recamen is STILL out like a log!
Mallow: Well, at least I got Marche awake…
Marche: Hm? Oh, is Recamen unconscious again? Here, I’ve got just the thing. Recamen, look.
He holds up a tray full of french fries.
Recamen: Suddenly wakes up. I smell french fries!
He sees Marche holding french fries.
Marche tosses the french fries ten feet away from him, and in less than two nanoseconds, all the fries are gone.
Lyn: (Slowly) Let me get this straight. You mean to tell me that all this time we’ve been trying to awaken Recamen, all we had to do was give him a french fry?
Lyn: You sonufa…
She slaps Marche upside the head.
Marche: Ouch! What did I do?
Recamen: Hey guys! Where are we?
Mallow: We’re at Fox’s and Wolf’s secret HQ.
Recamen: Oh, wow! Aren’t you Mallow, from Super Mario RPG?
Mallow: (Modestly) Aw, come now, I was only in one game…
Recamen: Are you kidding? Super Mario RPG had to have been the best of the Mario RPGs to date! Of course, I haven’t played Paper Mario 2 yet, so I’m not sure how much longer that will remain my opinion.
Gruff-sounding voice: Ahem!
Recamen and company turn around to find Fox and Wolf. However, they look taller than normal, Fox is missing one ear and is wearing an eye patch, Wolf is wearing no eye patch, and the eyes of Fox and Wolf seem to be those of reptiles.
Recamen: Oh! They’re here!
He turns on his handy camera yet again, and sets it up. Furthermore, he puts on an Australian accent.
G’ day, mates! Once again, I’m Recamen, and these two are Lyn and Marche, with special guest Mallow! This time, we’re interviewing the venomous Wolf O’ Donnell and Fox McCloud! There’s danger, danger, danger! And if they bite me, I’m gonna die!
Steve Irwin walks in.
Steve Irwin: Sorry Recamen, but you forgot the part where you stick your finger three inches or so down Wolf’s throat! Like this!
He sticks his finger three inches down Wolf’s throat then pulls it back just in time to avoid being bitten.
Steve: Crikey! She’s a very dangerous crocodile!
Marche: Crocodiles? But, these are Fox and Wolf, not crocs at all!
Steve: Oh. In that case, G’day!
He walks off.
Recamen: Crikey, what a dangerous… er…
He clears his throat and moves back to an… er… American accent, whatever that is…
Anyway, Wolf, the first question goes to you. Why is Fox wearing your eye patch?
Wolf: What? Oh, I thought I had something wrong. Fox, give me that!
Fox: All right, all right! Quit yer griping!
He gives the eye patch back to Wolf, who puts it on.
Lyn: (Something’s wrong here. Their voices don’t sound right, and their eyes look different…)
Recamen: And Wolf? Why did both of your eyes look fine?
Wolf: Whadda ya mean?
Recamen: I mean, interviewers before me have found out that you poked out one eye from running with scissors.
Author: You see, kids? That’s why you should never run with scissors, or you’ll end up like Wolf!
Wolf: Oh, um… I know I’m supposed to do something about Lyn, excuse me a sec…
He gets out a piece of paper and starts reading.
Hey, uh… excuse me, this might be better with my readin’ glasses…
He gets out a pair of reading glasses and puts them on.
Er… how’s about you and me go… er… what’s this word?
Recamen: Enough already! Let’s just get on with it! Now, inquiring fans have been dying to know. When is Starfox Assault supposed to come out?
Fox: Starfox Assault? Is that the name of Fox’s new game?
Marche: Marche wonders why Fox is speaking in the third person.
Recamen: Recamen isn’t sure why we’re speaking in the third person, but at any rate, Starfox Assault is the name of the new game. So, when is it?
Fox: Er, I think it may be out sometime around this February, last time I checked.
Recamen: Now we’re getting somewhere. Wolf, is it true that Starwolf will be back in this one?
Wolf: Well, only Andrew thus far is making a comeback, and at that, he might have a new Wolfen aircraft, so I think it’s safe to say that I will indeed be in this new game.
Mallow: Will I make a cameo in it?
Wolf: Probably not.
Recamen: That was fairly pointless, Mallow.
Lyn: (Wolf doesn’t have reading glasses…) Excuse me, Fox?
Lyn: Wolf is a world-renowned pervert, correct?
Fox: Uh… I think so, why?
Lyn: Then… explain… THIS!
She seizes Wolf, pulls him in, and starts kissing him for a second before Wolf pushes Lyn away from him.
Wolf: Hey! Hang on, now! What are you doing?
Recamen: Wait a minute… the real Wolf wouldn’t take his hand away! He’d immediately proceed to making out!
Marche, Mallow, Recamen, and Lyn all exchange significant looks.
Marche: Seize them!
Fox and Wolf are totally unprepared and thus give up without a struggle.
Lyn: Removes Fox’s head. Just as I thought!
Mallow: Sharpclaw!? But what are they doing here?
Recamen: (Uh oh. Scales knows I’m here…)
Marche draws out his greatsword Oblige.
Marche: Okay, tell the truth! Why did you impersonate Fox and Wolf?
???: Put them down. You’re completely surrounded!
Recamen and company look up to find they are surrounded by Sharpclaw. At one end stands General Scales, accompanied by Tricky.
Gen. Scales: So… we meet again, Recamen! I’ve been looking forward to this day… the day when I could have my vengeance!
Recamen: Well, it all started…
Scales: Silence! I wish to tell it! I will tell you of my tale of my days from Clan Borzoi!
Marche: Clan Borzoi? You mean that criminal group from Ivalice, whose leader called people’s suffering “glorious”?
Scales: Don’t remind me that you successfully defeated them. This is between Recamen and me! Recamen… I trusted you, and you turned me in to the judgemasters!
Scales: Didn’t you know? He, too, used to be from Clan Borzoi! But when we planned to take over Bervenia Palace to rule all of Ivalice, he got cold feet and told of our plans! We were lucky to escape imprisonment, let alone death! I knew that after I was exposed, I could hope to gain nothing more by staying. So, I constructed an airship, with which I came to Sauria, A.K.A. Dinosaur Planet!
He pauses a bit to catch for breath, not to mention add dramatic emphasis.
And now, five years have passed; yet I have not forgotten our betrayal! And now, I intend to reap my revenge!
Recamen: Listen! I was also once in full support of Borzoi’s activities as well, just like you! But when I found out about what Borzoi was doing…
He looks away, slightly embarrassed.
When I found out of the atrocities Borzoi inflicted upon the people in areas they controlled, I realized they weren’t right. To be in a clan was one thing for me, but to be evil and hurt innocent people? No, Scales, that is something I just could not do, nor cannot do.
Scales: Well then, what about becoming an interviewer? THAT’S considered evil!
Recamen: Smiles slightly. There’s a difference between insanity and cruelty, Scales.
Scales: Enough talk! Kill them!
The Sharpclaw close in. However, Lyn and Marche aren’t weak, and easily slash away some of the Sharpclaw. Recamen’s skill with Cinquedea and Orichalcum, his two knives, is nothing to be sneezed at either, as he brings down more. Lastly, though Mallow lacks in attack power, he makes up for it in spells. He rains down a couple of thunderbolt spells, wreaking havoc among the remaining Sharpclaw. Soon, there are a number of unconscious Sharpclaw, with only Scales and Tricky remaining.
Tricky: Bad guys!
Recamen: Scales, leave us alone! I just wanted to do a friggin’ interview!
Scales: Oh no, you don’t! Prepare to face the wrath of Jolteon’s ultimate backup plan!
He gets out what looks like a scroll.
I call on you to destroy these pests. Come out, my servant!
The ground rumbles as a terrifying creature emerges from the floor tiles.
Lyn: Oh my… what is THAT?
Recamen: It looks like a combination of Brittney Spears and… Bob Dylan!
Marche: AAAAAAAHHHH!!! They’re hideous! Hideous creatures!
Mallow: Um, Marche? You’re looking at a painting of dogs playing poker.
Marche: Oh, right.
He looks at the monster.
AAAAAAAHHHH!!! They’re hideous! Hideous creatures!
Bottney Spylan: RNNNNNNR!!
Recamen: Well, it looks like this is the end…
Tricky: Bad guy!! Ack!
In his surprise, he spews out flames, roasting the tail of Bottney Spylan.
Scales: Tricky, you idiot!
Bottney Spylan turns on Scales and Tricky.
Bottney Spylan: Grrrr…
Scales: Uh… I gotta run! Later!
He runs for the hills.
He is stomped flat by Bottney Spylan.
Bottney Spylan: RNNNNNNNR! Ynn’ll pny fnr thns, Scnlns!
It runs off after Scales. For a few seconds, Recamen and company stand still.
Mallow: Is it over?
Lyn: I guess. Huh! Looks like we won!
Recamen: And you know what that means…
All: Victory pose!!
They all pose in front of the camera. Recamen gives a peace sign pose, the standard for Super Mario RPG. Mallow does the same. Lyn takes her sword and puts it back in its scabbard, and Marche, unable to think of anything better, copies Lyn.. After a few seconds, they stand normally again.
Marche: Still, I can’t believe you were of Clan Borzoi, Recamen.
Recamen: Look, I’d rather not talk about it.
Marche: Relax. I have nothing against you. You did what had to be done!
Lyn: Yes, had you not done anything, Ivalice might’ve fallen under the control of warlords!
Recamen: I suppose you’re right. Thanks, guys!
Mallow: Well, I guess this is a wrap. Let’s go.
Recamen: Yeah. But, you know? I can’t help but feel as though we’re forgetting someone…
Hm, maybe it was Fox and Wolf?
Sack: Hey! Hello? Will someone please let us out?
Other sack: Shut up, Fox! I’m trying to read!
Sack: …How can you read? It’s dark in here…
Other sack: If you must know, having my one eye poked out with scissors has strengthened my other eye.
Sack: I could use a strong eye right now. I’d read, but I left my night-vision reading glasses on the Great Fox…
Puff… pant… just a few more feet and I’ll reach the Epilogue…
Well, well! The first interview in which none of us kicked the bucket! Scales and Tricky, however, did not escape the wrath of the dreaded Bottney Spylan. Furthermore, I heard that Ertai has mysteriously vanished from Starwing. He said something about the world having enough Bob Dylans, loaded up a shotgun, and left. Mallow has returned to Nimbus Land, and Lyn and Marche have gone to Wherever.
No really, they went to the city of Wherever! They even sent me a postcard! See?
*Holds up a postcard with the words “Welcome to Wherever”! On it is a picture of Bottney Spylan relaxing by a pool.*
Anyways, I guess I’ve said enough. See you again!
Never do today what you can put off ‘til the copyrights…
Recamen is © to me, Voltz is © Voltz, J is © El Jolteon de La Mancha… oh, sorry, I’m thinking of something else. Jolteon is © Jolteon, Ertai is © Ertai, and so on and so forth.
Lyn and Marche are © to Fire Emblem and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, respectively.
General Scales and Tricky and the Sharpclaw are copyright to Starfox Adventures.
Bottney Spylan, flying bricks, and talking signs are © to my brain on goodness-knows what.
Fox and Wolf are © the Starfox games, which are © Nintendo.
Mallow is © Super Mario RPG, which is © Square Enix. (If you have a Super Nintendo still, I suggest you get it, if you haven’t already!)
Zero Wing is © to Zero Wing.
Oh, and Clan Borzoi is also © to Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.
See you next time when I point my 12-gauge interview shotgun at my toughest target yet… Donkey Kong!