Recamen’s Interview with Kirby

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Somewhere near Iselia in Sylvarant…

Recamen: Well Lyn, Marche, today we’re interviewing Kirby!

Kirby: Howdy!

Lyn: (Slowly) My God… We actually have the interviewee this time!?

Recamen: Yup.

Marche: Well, why don’t we just do the interview now?

Recamen: What, here!? Pfft! Marche, that’d be boring! Let’s look for a better spot!

They move along until they wind up at a building.

Recamen: Check it out, guys! This is the perfect spot to do an inter…

Forcystus: Hey, you inferior beings! Get off my ranch!

Marche: …Weird, Recamen. The Desians already have an Interview set up here.

Recamen: Shut up, Marche!

Forcystus: Oh, wait. You’re Recamen? Some guy named Q Branch wanted me to give you this.

He holds out a cup of gravy.

Recamen: Cool! So, what is it?

Forcystus: Well, it looks like an ordinary cup of gravy…

Recamen: (Excitedly) Oh boy, here it comes…

Forcystus: Because it IS an ordinary cup of gravy!

Recamen: Cool!!

He takes the cup of gravy and examines it.

Forcystus: Is he always this stupid?

Lyn: Yup, that’s our Recamen.

Forcystus: Whatever. Now beat it!

Recamen and company walk off, but yet again, the camera moves off to the left and focuses on Hawke.

Hawke: And now for something completely different.

However, the camera stays on Hawke, and the sound of footsteps is heard.

Hawke: Huh?

Looks left and right.

 Dangit, I can’t see any further than the camera…

Eagle: Jumps on camera wearing a shirt ninja outfit. BANZAI!!

He jumps on Hawke and the two fight.

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Meanwhile, at the Lynari Desert…

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Recamen: Check it out, guys! This is a killer location!

Marche: Ugh! Why do I… ugh! Have to carry the crystal chalice?

Recamen: Well, first of all, the crystal chalice is important because it wards off the miasma, and naturally, if it touches us, we’re all going to die horribly. Secondly, because it wouldn’t be fair to have Kirby carry it, now would it?

Lyn: And also, why does it have to be in such a hot place?

Recamen: Hey, I’m so hot this place should be cold to you!

We interrupt this interview to insert an awkward pause here, as well as to annoy you.

 

 

 

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We now take you back to our regularly scheduled interview.

Lyn: That made… absolutely no sense…

Recamen: Well, anyway… Turns camera on.

Hi there! I’m Recamen, that’s Lyn and Marche, and we’re here in the Lynari Desert to interview Kirby!

Lyn: Hey wait! Why are we interviewing Kirby again?

Recamen: Because a certain someone named LYN, Marquess Caelin’s daughter, ruined it by coming down with that illness when Link was around!

Marche: Oh, brother. Illness, my foot.

Lyn stomps on Marche’s foot.

Marche: Ow! My foot!

Recamen: Okay Kirby, first question: How are you able to cram so much food into your mouth, yet stay skinny?

Kirby: I… well, um… that’s actually a good question! I stay in shape through a secret diet…

Recamen: It’s not Atkins, is it, ‘cuz that can’t possibly…

Kirby: No, actually, it’s not so much a diet as it is exercise. A very painful exercise involving Sumo Wrestlers.

Recamen: Oh, so you’re flattened by these guys; thus…

Kirby nods.

Okay then! Next question: Do you have a pickle?

Kirby: Hands out a pickle. Yes, I do. Why?

Recamen: Yippee! Takes the pickle, puts it on a sandwich, and eats it.

Lyn: Okay, let’s see who saw that coming…

Let’s ask the random person on the street whether they saw it coming or not!

Link: (Walking around with Amy Clearwaters) Yup, I definitely did.

Wolf: (Spying on Katt with his binoculars) Huh? Oh, yeah yeah, sure.

Continues spying.

Jolteon: Sorry, but I’m not standing in the street…

Fox: Well, I am, so I think I’ll ans… Arrrrrggghhh!

Gets run over by a sedan.

Homer Simpson : Stops the car. Okay, you all saw it; Fox came at me with a knife, right?

And now, back to the interview!

Recamen: Also Kirby, what was going through your mind about your last Gamecube game?

Kirby: *Sigh* You know, I just don’t get it. Link got a kickarse game and is getting another one, Samus had Metroid Prime… even Mario had something! Yet all I got was…

Marche: A lousy one-button racetrack game that was all too simple, right?

Kirby: I don’t get it; I thought Nintendo said they liked us all equally.

Marche: Well, everybody screws up once in awhile, especially Recamen.

Recamen: Indeed. However, Kirby, there’s also a Game Boy Advance game coming out for you; can you show me that ability where you and three other Kirbies pound the bad guys after you call them via cell phone?

Kirby: You mean from Kirby and the Amazing Mirror? Sure! Heck, I can even get them to bring a mall here; watch!

He gets out a cell phone.

Kirby: Hello, gang? It’s me. I need some floozie on a hot surface. Gotta go. Bye.

He hangs up.

Recamen: …Floozie?

Kirby: See, for one of the Kirbies, I have to say ‘floozie’ instead of ‘mall’ and ‘hot surface’ instead of ‘desert’ or he goes mad.

Recamen: Oh.

The three Kirbies arrive via a giant warpstar and drop a mall onto the ground.

Kirby: By the way, the Kirby I was talking too was this one here.

Recamen, Lyn, and Marche : Cooooool!

Recamen: Nice floozie, Kirbies!

Kirby 2: I’m sorry, but why did you say ‘floozie’? I don’t have any here, you pervert!

Recamen: Nono, I mean, floozie. You know… mall?

Kirby 2: MALL!?!?!? ARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

Fara shows up in a caravan full of shopping bags. She is whipping Peppy and Falco, who are slowly pulling the caravan forward.

Peppy: Hey! What’s with all the Kirbies?

Falco: Uh oh…

Kirby 2: RAAAAHHH!!!

He jumps on Falco and Peppy and sounds of pain and hurt can be heard for miles around.

Fara: Oh no! Now I have no one to carry my shopping bags!

She looks at a mound of shopping bags the size of Death Mountain.

Biggoron: Wakes up from the top, then yawns. Is it time forrrrr breakfast yet?

Kirby: Quick, everybody inside!

The Kirbies, Interviewers, Fara, her shopping bags, and Biggoron all make it inside before all hell breaks loose.

Reader: Wait, how’d Fara’s shopping bags and Biggoron make it inside?

Author: Beats me. Interviews defy the laws of physics often enough, anyway… Hey! What are you doing inside my house!?

Reader: Wha… oh! Er, I’m leaving now!

He runs off.

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Anyway, back inside the mall…

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Recamen: Phew. That was close!

Fara: Not close enough for you! You wrecked my shopping bag carriers, and now you’ll pay!

Marche: We should run.

Everybody runs to get away from Fara, except for Biggoron, who goes back to sleep. However, years of practice have made Fara nearly impossible to outrun. Eventually, everyone is cornered at a wall facing a very PO’d Fara.

Fara: Any last words?

Kirby: Nooo! Kirbies, help me!

He spies a warp star flying off, carrying the other two Kirbies.

Recamen: Hm. What would my mentor say?

A cloud bubble appears above Recamen’s head.

Ed: Appears in bubble cloud. Gravy!

Recamen: Gravy!? …Wait a minute, that’s it! Take THIS!

He takes the cup of gravy that Marche was holding and throws it at her, covering her in gravy.

Fara: Nooo! Gravy is my only weakness! How did you know!? Arrrgh…

She melts into a puddle of goo.

Lyn: Woohoo! I’d say I love you, Recamen, but I’m not that cheap!

Recamen: Wow. I actually beat Fara!

Marche: Um, guys? It’s all well and good that we beat Fara, but since there’s a hole in the wall… and that cup of gravy you broke happened to be the crystal chalice… so, there’s nothing to ward off the toxic miasma.

The miasma starts to seep in.

Everybody: Uh-oh…

Biggoron: Shut up! I’m trying to sleep here!

Everybody: (Whispering) Uh-oh…

 

And so, Frodo Baggins cast the Epilogue into the fires of Mt. Doom…

Well, here we are, once again…

Lyn: All in the hospital due to some nutty death! Oh, but wait, we have some guests tonight!

Nearby is Kirby, who didn’t escape the miasma; Fox is lying nearby too, apparently he was standing in the middle of a street and got run over. Fara (Do they HAVE to fix her up, too?), Falco, and Peppy are also being treated; Hawke wound up here too, something about a shirt ninja from Green Earth… Oh, and Biggoron has a ward to himself. They just built a new ward for people like him; apparently they’re dubbing it the ‘Pigma Ward for really really really really really…

Marche: Okay, we get it already!

…big people.’ But hey, at least we did another interview!

 

At the same time, Baggins cast the copyrights into Mt. Doom!

Recamen is copyright to yours truly; Lady Lyndis and Marche Radiuju are to Fire Emblem (GBA) and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, respectively.

Hawke and Eagle are both copyright to Advance Wars.

Forcystus and the Desians are copyright to Tales of Symphonia, which is copyright to Namco.

Q-Branch is copyright to James Bond films (Regal Entertainment group owns them); the cup of gravy to condiments.

Biggoron, Death Mountain, and Link are copyright to Nintendo, as are the Starfox people!

Homer Simpson is © The Simpsons, which is © Matt Groening.

Almost forgot; the cameos of Frodo and Sam are copyright to Lord of the Rings, which is © to J.R.R. Tolkien.

Ed is © to Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy, in case you were curious.

Anything else, I think you’re smart enough to figure out on your own. I hope…

Samwise Gangee: You must destroy Recamen too, Mr. Frodo!

Frodo Baggins: You’re right, Sam!

He throws Recamen’s bed into Mt. Doom.

Recamen: What the… Er, see you next time when we interview Fox and Wolf yet again, but without the teams!

Looks towards lava.

Why does this always happen to me!?

Gollum: Noooo! The Precioussss… Ah well!
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