Recamen’s Interview with Samus, Lettuce and Tomato. Oh, and hold the onion.

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Recamen: What?

Author: Whoops, sorry. I was ordering a sandwich. Here we go…

Recamen’s Interview with Samus

Recamen: That’s better.

Marche: So what are we doing aboard the Delphinus?

Recamen: Eh? Oh, didn’t notice.

Vyse walks up.

Vyse: Yarrrr! We be pirates!

Recamen: Oh, man. I certainly hope they’re not butt pirates.

Lyn: Butt pirates!?

Vyse: Catches up to them. Now give us yer booty!

Recamen: Aaaaaahhhh! Butt pirates!! Marche, Lyn, run for it!!

Marche: Runs like Sonic. Every man for himself!

Lyn: Hey! Wait, Vyse isn’t a butt pirate! …And I’m not a guy, Marche!

Vyse: Aw, c’mon! All I want is some swag!

Marche: Recamen, you were right! He said he wanted to shag!

Recamen: Ack! Um, quick! In that Imperial starship thingy, we have in interview with Samus in space anyway!

Lyn: Recamen, is that thing really yours?

Recamen: Since when do I own any vehicles?

Lyn: Aw, man. You mean you’re going to steal yet ANOTHER vehicle?

Recamen: Yes, now come on and get in, unless you want to be shagged.

Recamen and company get in the ship and blast off towards space until they stop somewhere above Tatooine.

Recamen: Well, here’s the place!

Lyn: You DID call Samus, didn’t you?

Recamen: No, but I don’t really need to, because apparently they have a card machine thingy in here.

Marche: What’s a card machine thingy?

Recamen: Well apparently, the card machine thingy lets you summon a person here if you have a photograph of them, and that’s how I’m going to summon Samus! Watch!

He sticks a photograph in a slot on the machine thingy and Samus appears in a teleporter.


Recamen: Oops.

Samus: Wha? How’d I get here? And what are you three…

Samus looks down to realize she is wearing, for some unknown reason, a rather small orange bikini.

Samus: What!? This looks like what I wore at that vacation planet with Aftershock! I have no idea what you just did, but you are SO GONNA…

Recamen turns the computer off, and Samus disappears.

Recamen: Sorry. I didn’t know that was in there.

Lyn: Recamen, I’m sorry, but…

Lyn draws her sword, the Mani Katti.

Lyn: For this blunder, I can’t let you live…

Recamen: I came prepared for that!

Pulls out a memory flasher and flashes Marche and Lyn.

Recamen: Now, I have absolutely no pics of any video game hot chicks dressed up in anything remotely revealing. Nor do I have a pic of Jolteon secretly stealing money out of every interviewers’ salaries except my own… Oops, you weren’t supposed to hear that either.

Flashes them again.

Recamen: Ok, now I have no pictures of Samus in an orange bikini. Understood?

Marche and Lyn : …

Recamen: Good!

Pulls out a picture and checks it over to make sure it’s decent, then inserts it.

Samus appears in her power suit this time.

Samus: What the… oh, I guess it’s an interview. Hey, wanna hear something weird? I had the strangest dream I was standing in front of you three…

Recamen: Interrupts Samus. Heh, mustabeensomethingyouateanyway…

Turns on a nearby camera.

Recamen: Hello and welcome to Recamen’s interview with Samus! I’m here once again with Marche Radiuju and Lady Lyndis of Caelin! So, how are you today, Samus?

Samus: Well, I guess I can’t complain, but I still can’t shake the feeling that…

Recamen: Interrupts once more. So how did you and Ridley become enemies?

Samus: Why do you keep interrupting me?

Recamen: Hey, I’m the interviewer here!

Lyn: Yep, just your average everyday demon from hell!

Recamen: …

Lyn and Marche : ^-^

Recamen: Right. Well, anyway, how did you and Ridley become enemies?

Samus: Long story, although if I recall, it involved Space Invaders, a lot of beer, and I think it was midnight.

Recamen: Well, there you have it, folks. Samus is Ridley’s arch nemesis all over an argument involving Space Invaders.

Samus: You don’t know a whole lot about the Metroid series, do you?

Recamen: Well, um… recently, I’ve started playing Metroid Fusion and Metroid Prime, so I’m learning. Speaking of Fusion, is there any more Metroid vaccine against the X, or even any Metroids for that matter?

Samus: Well, yeah, there are still metroids around; and even if there weren’t any more Metroids, they would just come back sooner or later somehow in the Metroid series.

Recamen: Makes sense. Also, who pays you to continuously kill off the space pirates?

Samus: Well, space pirates do have lots of booty…

Recamen: What, you mean they’re butt pirates?

Samus: Sorry, but I have to do this.

Samus hits Recamen on the head with a crowbar.

Recamen: Ow! My brain!

Lyn: Great, now his IQ’s probably in the negative numbers!

Samus: There are no such things as butt pirates! Okay?

Vyse: Yeah, I said I wanted SWAG, not shag!

Recamen: Oh. Sorry about the misunderstanding, Vyse.

Marche: Where’d you come from!?

Vyse: The Author, I guess. Oh, and Vigoro came along, too.

Author: Hello, can I have a BLT with extra bacon and…

Recamen: This isn’t a sandwich shop! Get lost!

Author: *Sigh* FINE… Leaves.

Vigoro: I got to admit, being such a pirate would have its perks!

He slaps Samus on the butt.

Samus: Why you little…

Lyn: Ooh! I can do this!

The scene switches to a 2-D Fire Emblem format. Lyn draws her sword, the Man Katti, then disappears. Next, three lightning fast strokes are seen on Vigoro, and he falls to the ground.

Vigoro: Arrrgh! Keels over.

Lyn: Not bad, huh Samus?

Samus: I’ve seen better, Lyn. Look: Although he’s dead, Vigoro’s body is still mostly intact…

She looks around.

You could’ve done a lot more with the floor here… You hardly wrecked the controls, and lastly, blood should be smeared all over the place!

Blasts Vigoro’s body with a missile, sending blood all over the place.

Samus: Like so! Honestly, you have a lot to learn. If Firiel ever saw this, she’d be totally ashamed.

Lyn: Oh… sorry about that. And thanks for the tips!

Hides her notebook and pencil.

Samus: You’re quite welcome. Just remember that for future reference when dealing with perverts, okay?

Recamen: …Hearing about this stuff… kinda scares me…

Samus: By the way, I notice this is an Imperial Starship. This thing is cloaking shielded so that no Imperial Star Destroyers will notice you and blow it up, right?

Recamen: Yes, don’t worry. This ship can’t be spotted…

Unbeknownst to everyone else, Bill Gates is working the controls of this ship. He turns off the cloaking shield.

Bill Gates: Haha. Now that the cloaking shields are down, these fools cannot escape Lord Vader.

Recamen: I’m sorry, what did you say?

Bill Gates: That was a soliloquy; you weren’t supposed to hear it.

Recamen: Oh. Ignores Bill Gates once more.

Meanwhile, on the bridge of a nearby Star Destroyer…

Darth Vader: Ah. I see General Gates lowered the cloaking shield. Excellent! General Jimmy Buffet, prepare to capture the ship! Oh, and play me some Margaritaville while you’re at it.

Jimmy Buffett : Yes, sir! Plays some Margaritaville.

Darth Vader: Starts dancing. Yeah! Dig it!

Meanwhile, back on the ship…

Recamen: Okay then! Great! We managed to get ten questions, at least! Our first interview that we finished without being blown to bits! Bye Samus!

He removes the picture from the card machine thingy, and Samus disappears.

Lyn: Wow. You mean we actually survived?

Recamen: Apparently so! Okay, now let’s head home…

Marche: Brings in Bill Gates. Look! I found a spy!

Recamen: A spy, huh? We’ll show him what we do to spies… Mr. Marche! Load him in the torpedo bay and fire him!

Marche: Aye aye! But, will you stop calling me Mr. Marche?

He loads Bill Gates in a torpedo tube and fires Bill Gates, sending him straight into the Star Destroyer’s Bridge. A large rumble goes through the Destroyer, and everybody pretends to fall over.

Darth Vader: Argh! Status report, General Buffet!

Jimmy Buffett : Sir! We’ve been hit by an officer!

Darth Vader: If they wanna fire on us, we’ll respond in kind!

Two stormtroopers carry Vader off towards a torpedo tube.

Darth Vader: Not me! Fire a bunch of lasers at ‘em!

Marche: Uh oh. Looks like Bill Gates hit the Star Destroyer over there.

Recamen: Not to worry, Mr. Marche! They can’t see us!

Lyn: Captain Recamen, look! Someone lowered the cloaking shields!

Marche: Lyn? But it’s my job to be stupid, not you!

Recamen: Oh crap. Let’s see, what can I do… Gets out a guitar and starts singing while playing the guitar badly.

Marche: Boo! You suck!

Recamen: Shut up a second! Starts playing the guitar well, then starts singing…

I could pay off Pete’s tab,

Get in a space cab,

And be back at Starwing before two!

But at a moment like this,

I can’t help but wonder…

What would Jimmy Buffet do?

Lyn: We’re getting an incoming message from someone!

Recamen: Onscreen…

Jimmy Buffett appears onscreen with a guitar and wearing an Imperial Officer uniform.

Jimmy Buffett: Funny you should ask, Recamen…

I’d say, ‘You’re so screwed, your ship will be blown

Into a hurricane that’s 80 miles away!

It’s only half-past twelve, but I don’t care…

You’re gonna blow up right now!’

A barrage of lasers head towards the ship.

Recamen: Aw, nuts! Mr. Marche, we’re doomed!

Marche: Stop calling me Mr. Marche!

Recamen: Never!

The lasers reach the ship…


Author: Hello. I’d like an Epilogue with fries and a Coke, please…

Will you shut up!? Anyway, as you can imagine, Marche, Lyn, and myself were all blown up into tiny bits. Oh, and Jimmy Buffet is now commander of the Imperial Starfleet.

Author: Aw, c’mon! Doesn’t anyone have a friggin’ sandwich!?

I told you, no! Geez, you stupid Author, don’t you have anything better to do than look for a sandwich!?

Author: Well, I can put you in a pink tutu, if you like…

Ah, no, that’s okay! And lemme just take a second to praise the author for boldly looking for a sandwich!


Author: Heh. Coward… Anyway, here’s the copyrights!

Recamen is copyright to himself; Marche is copyright to FFTA, and Lyn is copyright to Fire Emblem.

Author: I wonder if they have food in Fire Emblem…

Jimmy Buffet is copyright to himself and Margaritaville, and Bill Gates is copyright to himself and Microsoft. Oh, and Vader is copyright to Star Wars, and Samus, Lettuce, and Tomato… er, I mean Samus is copyright to the Metroid series, which is © Nintendo! And lastly, Vyse is copyright to Skies of Arcadia Legends, as well as Sega. Vigoro is copyright to Skies of Arcadia Legends and Sega, as well as pervert conventions everywhere.

Arg… Now my stupid author’s making me hungry… I hate my author!

Author: Well, if that’s how you feel, then… Puts Recamen and hospital bed in between Master Hand and Crazy Hand.

See you next time when we interview Kirby! …Um, hey Author? Can we talk about this? Author? AUTHOR!?

Author: Ah, I finally got my sandwich… *Eats.*

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