Recamen’s Interview with Kirby and Link

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Recamen is just walking out of the hospital, having recovered from Sephiroth and everything else. On the way out, he notices Sephiroth hiding behind a bush.

Recamen: What the… eh, oh well. I guess if he wants to hide behind a bush, he can.

He looks back at the Starwing A&E ward.

I swear, why did they have to give me so many questions? Just because I have bad penmanship doesn’t mean they have to give me an entirely new copy…

Nurse Joy walks by.

Nurse Joy: Speak for yourself! We had to hire somebody to translate it from Chinese to English!

Recamen: What?

Nurse Joy: Why in the world were you writing so horribly?

Recamen: What is this, an inquisition?

Dramatic music plays as Sephiroth jumps out from behind the bush, dressed in long robes.

Sephiroth: Hah! Nobody expects the Final Fantasy Inquisition!

Mewt and Cloud also jump out from behind bushes, each wearing long robes.

Our chief weapons are surprise, surprise and beer… TWO chief weapons are surprise, beer, and absolute devotion to Playstation consoles… THREE chief weapons…

Recamen: Er, maybe you should just start again..

Sephiroth: Oh, alright.

He hides behind the bush again, while Mewt and Cloud just stand there, whistling.

Nurse Joy: Oh, forget it.

She leaves.

Recamen: Er, what is this, an inquisition?

Sephiroth: Jumps out from behind the bush again. Hah! Nobody expects the Final Fantasy Inquisition!

Recamen: *Sigh* This is going to be a loooooong day…

However, instead of following the stuff said by Sephiroth, the camera crew instead moves off to the left, eventually showing Hawke sitting at a desk with radio equipment.

Hawke: Looks up. And now for something completely different!

A little later on, at the entrance of Starwing HQ…

Recamen: Okay then! Now that the inquisition has gone yet again, I think it’s time we set out to interview Kirby and Link.

Lyn: You did tell them where we’d be, right?

Recamen: Yes, as a matter of fact.

Marche: Say, how’d you manage to get Sephiroth off your back?

Recamen: I think he’d still be here if it wasn’t for Bob Dylan, here!

Baum baum baaaaaauuuum!

Bob Dylan: Hnlln Mnrchn, Lyn! N’m hnrn tn accnmpnny ynn gnys tn nntnrvnnw Knrby nnd Lnnk!

Marche: …Uh, he did promise not to sing, right?

Recamen: Trust me, if he sings before I allow him to, he will be forced to watch tapes of the scariest celebrity of all.

Marche: Who’s that?

Recamen: Brittney Spears!

Baum baum baaaaaauuuum!

Marche and Lyn : Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

Lyn: You mean She-Who-Must-Not-be-Named!? That’s terrible!

Recamen: Well anyway, enough references to Harry Potter’s arch nemesis. Let’s get going.

Marche: Where are we headed?

Recamen: Some town called Wainscotting…

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Meanwhile, somewhere in Sylvarant…

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Genis stops suddenly and his eyes bug out.

Lloyd: Hm? What’s up, Genis?

Genis: In a rage. Somebody mentioned the word ‘wainscotting’…

He turns into a maniac and loads up a shotgun.

Genis: IT BEGINS…

He goes off to kill whoever said ‘wainscotting’.

Colette: I wonder what that was about.

Lloyd: Yeah. I hope he’s okay…

Colette: You don’t think he’ll go on a killing spree, do you?

Lloyd: Oh well, it doesn’t matter. Wanna go get some fireworks?

Colette: Sure!

They head off in search of fireworks.

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And now, back to Recamen!

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They arrive in Wainscotting.

Marche: I’m just saying I don’t think it was wise to run through the Delphinus like that!

Recamen: But it made a perfect shortcut!

Marche: Shortcut!? Even Bob Dylan here said he didn’t want to take it!

Bob Dylan: Yeah, and I ran through at least three red lights!

Lyn: Wow, Bob Dylan can speak proper English!

Baum baum baaaaaauu…

Recamen: Shut up! …Bob? What happened to you?

Bob Dylan: …Er, um, nn N dndn’t! Nt wns Bnll Gates! …Oh, bugger.

Recamen: Fascinating. I didn’t know he could speak properly!

Lyn: Hey, I don’t see Kirby and Link around. Where are they?

Recamen: All taken care of.

He presses a button on a remote control.

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Meanwhile, at the Empire State Building…

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Kirby: Well, this is the place. Now where are those fools?

Link: Well, Lyn told me Recamen is a dumb arse…

Recamen’s disembodied voice: No, he’s not!

Link: Oh yes he is!

Recamen’s disembodied voice : No!

Link: Oh, fine, whatever. Anyway, I wonder if they forgot…

Suddenly, the floor comes out from under them.

Link and Kirby: Uh oh. Aaaaaaaahhh!!

They fall through the floor… and fall through the ceiling of the floor.

Link and Kirby: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh….

The fall through the floor… and reappear yet again in the ceiling.

Recamen: Oops, wrong button.

He presses a different button, this time causing a plot hole to appear below the floor. Link and Kirby show up and land right on Recamen’s head.

Link: Well, at least we landed on something soft…

Recamen: Speak for yourself! You practically broke by back!

Kirby, Link, and Recamen get up.

Recamen: Right! Now…

Turns camera on.

Greetings! This is Recamen yet again, this time reporting from a town called Wainscotting to interview Link and Kirby!

He turns to the vic… er, interviewees.

Now, the first question is…

Lyn: How tall are you, Link?

Recamen: Lyn, I hardly find that relevant…

Link: Well, the series never did elaborate, so how should I know?

Recamen: Okay then, next question…

Lyn: How many women can you handle at one time?

Recamen: Lyn, that’s not relevant either!

Kirby: Hey! Why doesn’t anyone ask me anything?

Lyn: Shut up! You’re nowhere near as…

She starts drooling.

sexy as this godly hunk…

She stands still staring at Link and drooling.

Recamen: Hello? Lyn? …Lyn? Helloooo, Lyn?

Link: Er, but…

Recamen: Oh, I know why she’s staring at Link like this! …Must’ve been something she ate!

Marche, Link, and Kirby fall down anime style, while Amy Clearwaters appears through a plot hole.

Amy: Oh there you are Link! I’ve been looking all over for you. Cmon, let’s get out of here. There’s a big sale on sharpening accessories at Cutter’s Corner.

Link: Awsome! Lead the way!

They take hands and leave to go weapon accessory shopping.

Kirby: Hmph! You people aren’t smart or nice! I’m leaving!

He runs off to go huff about somewhere.

Bob Dylan: Wnll, nn rnnlnty nt’s nnly Rncnmnn whn’s stnpnd…

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Meanwhile, at a fireworks store in Sylvarant…

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Caiman: Hello! Welcome to Uncle Caiman’s Homemade Nuclear Fireworks! How may I help you?

Lloyd: Well, we’re looking for fireworks that are capable of interplanetary flight. Do you have any?

Caiman: Sure! Right this way!

They go to the back and find a whole mess of nuclear fireworks.

Lloyd and Colette: Whoa…

Caiman: Just as a warning, these fireworks tend to nuke anything in a five-mile radius, so don’t be nearby, okay?

Lloyd: Sure thing, we’ll take a couple!

Lloyd and Caiman place themselves on bartering poles.

Lloyd: I will give you… 10 chickens for the fireworks.

Caiman: Hm… Sounds fair…

Lloyd: What, don’t you want 15 chickens?

Caiman: Um, sure, I’ll take the 15 chickens.

Lloyd: No way! I’m only giving you…

Colette: Er, but couldn’t you just take cash instead of balancing yourselves on bartering poles?

Caiman: (Slowly) My God… that idea’s so crazy…

Lloyd: It just might work!

Colette: *Sigh* Who gave you two the idea of balancing yourselves on bartering poles?

Rolf: Walks in. Schaglaha! Nuclear firework monger, why are you not balancing yourself!?

Caiman: Ack! Sorry, Rolf!

The camera switches over to Hawke again.

Hawke: And now, back to Recamen!

Recamen: Thanks, Hawke. In other news, Lyn went berserk in finding out Link didn’t want her and has decided to take it out on a passing Fox McCloud, and Marche still can’t convince Kirby that he’s here for a reason. That’s the end of the evening news, here in Wainscotting, and now…

A loud shotgun shot interrupts Recamen, who finds a crazed Genis.

Genis: You said Wainscotting! Prepare to die! Wahahahaha!

Recamen: Oh crap! Everyone, run!

Everyone save for a beaten to a pulp Fox runs into a nearby building. Bob Dylan digs a quick hole and defends against Genis.

Professor Oak with a German accent: Und here ve zee Bob Dylan engaged in a life or death struggle with an enraged pantomime Genis Sage. Ze bull pantomime Genis Sage has the advantage, since he is so tiny he makes for a difficult target for ze bull Bob Dylan’s hand grenades.

Recamen: Hey, wait a second! He’s a pantomime Genis Sage?

Professor Oak: Yup.

Recamen goes out there and rips off the Genis Sage mask, revealing…

Recamen: Gasp! IamErtai!?

Baum baum baaaaa…

Ertai shoots the guy who’s doing that.

Recamen: Thanks. Now then, so it was Ertai who was doing this!

IamErtai: Yeah, and I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!

Marche: Not bad for a first try!

Recamen: So, why did you try to kill Dylan?

IamErtai: I think he’s the worst singer in the world.

Simon from American Idol appears through a plot hole.

Simon: That’s my line! Prepare to die!

Professor Oak: Und here ve see IamErtai engaged in a life or death struggle with an enraged Simon from American Idol. Now…

Recamen: Look, this has gone on way too long! Shouldn’t something destroy us by now?

Lloyd and Colette’s interplanetary nuclear firework reaches them at last.

Marche: There it is, right on time!

The firework blows them all to bits.

 

And now, on our left you’ll see the Epilogue…

Well, thanks to the firework, everybody at our location was nuked, save for Simon who somehow managed to get away via plot hole. Oh yeah, and my group of three gets a 10% discount! Hooray! Although one thing’s missing… if Ertai was impersonating him, then where’s the real Genis Sage?

IamErtai: Best you didn’t ask that, really.

Oh well. I’m sure he’ll turn up, probably in Ertai’s closet…

IamErtai: Rats! Now I’ve got to go hide him somewhere else!

Oh well. Anyway, this is Recamen, shutting up.

Reader: Yay! (Sets off Lloyd and Colette’s other firework.)

 

…And to your right, you’ll see the copyrights!

Bob Dylan is copyright to IamErtai’s exploitations, as well as IamErtai. Speaking of which, Ertai is © to himself.

Caiman and Fox McCloud are copyright to Starfox.

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, and the world of Sylvarant are copyright to Tales of Symphonia, which is copyright to Namco.

Kirby and Link are copyright to Nintendo, and lastly Hawke is copyright to Advance Wars.

Rolf is © to Ed, Edd, n Eddy, in case you didn’t know.

Simon is © to American Idol.

Amy Clearwaters is © Jolteon.

See you next time when we interview Samus Aran!

(The other firework heads straight for the hospital.)

Oh crap…

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