Recamen’s Interview with Mario and Luigi

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The Mushroom Kingdom, someplace near Peach’s Palace

Recamen: …After all that walking, the Beanbean Kingdom is now only a bean’s throw away!

Lyn: Will you stop saying that?

Recamen: Never!

Lyn: By the way, how do you intend to travel there from here? We don’t have an aircraft!

Recamen: Well, remember that cannon I got at that yard sale that you said I’d never use?

He pulls a gigantic cannon out of his pocket.

Marche: How did you do that?

Recamen: This is Interviewing, Marche; we’re supposed to defy the laws of science!

Lyn catches on to what Recamen is attempting to do.

Lyn: Uh, Recamen?  You’re not planning to do what I think you’re going to do, are you?

Recamen: That depends; did you think I was going to dress in drag and do the hula?

Lyn: Well, no, but…

Recamen: Then the answer is no! Now, come on and get in the cannon, we haven’t got all day!

Lyn: That didn’t even make any sense! Arg!

They climb in the cannon.

Marche: Okay, now what?

Recamen: We wait for my contact to arrive.

Marche: But where is your…

Recamen: Shut up and wait a sec!

Meanwhile, at a pub not ten feet away from them, Fox receives a message on his radio…

Radio: crackle Big ego to Marth, do you copy?

Marth: hiccups. Schomeone schay my name?

Fox: Er, hang on… Gets radio.

Pardon? Who the heck is this?

Wolf: Hey! That’s my line!

Fox: I said ‘who the heck’, Wolf, not your line!

Wolf: Oh. In that case, never mind!

Radio: I said, ‘big ego to Marth, do you copy’?

Fox: Who’s Marth? And who are you?

Radio: Don’t you remember? Our codenames are ‘Big ego’ and ‘Marth’!

Fox: Er, but we never picked codenames…

Radio: Sighs. Alright alright, this is Recamen. Fox, you may now light the cannon!

Fox: Oh. I guess that makes… Marth! What the hell are you doing to Slippy!?

Marth is trying to kiss Slippy, who is not at all enjoying it.

Marth: Now that we’ve gohtten to know easch other, howsch about you and me…

Slippy: No! Go away!

He shoots Marth, who dies.

Peppy: Whoa! Slippy just killed somebody! This calls for a celebration!

Fox: Whatever…

He goes outside and lights the cannon.

Fox: Ok. Mission accomplished, you dumb arse.

Lyn: Wow, that codename suits you perfectly, Recamen!

Recamen: …Shut up…

The cannon blasts them in the direction of the Beanbean Kingdom.

All three: Looks like Team Recamen’s blasting off agaaaaaaain!

Bing!

Team Rocket looks on in disgust.

Meowth: Hey! Those three jerks stole our line!

James: Let’s get ‘em!

They climb into the Meowth balloon and take off.

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…Meanwhile, at a pub in the Beanbean Kingdom…

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Luigi: Huh. Guess they’re late.

Mario: …You know, I get the funny feeling they’ll be dropping in on us any second now…

Suddenly, the roof crashes in as Marche and Lyn fall in, landing perfectly in two chairs opposite Mario and Luigi.

Marche: Spies a third chair. Oops, wait a second…

He pulls the chair back a couple of feet and Recamen crashes through the ceiling and falling face first into the floor where the chair was.

Recamen:  …Ow.

He pulls himself up and sees Mario and Luigi.

Recamen:  …Whoa, we better get started! Turns camera on.

Hello there! Once again, I am Recamen, Ivalice’s coolest human thief, with Marche Radiuju and Lady Lyndis of Caelin! Today we are now interviewing Mario and Luigi!

Bartender:  Hey! Are you gonna pay for my roof or what!?

Recamen:  Oh, yeah.

He memory flashes the bartender.

Bartender: 

Recamen:  There we go. Now Luigi, the first question goes to you…

Mario:  Why does HE get the first question?

Recamen:  Um, okay, sure. Mario, the first question is…

Luigi:  Oh, come on! Mario’s such a jerk that…

Recamen:  Draws out a rocket launcher. Will you two shut up!?

They shut up.

Recamen:  Now as I was saying, Luigi… Why does Nintendo seem to like you so much recently?

Mario:  Hah! Yeah, right!

Recamen:  Mario, please…

Mario:  No, really! If this was true, then why did I get a game in the tropics while Lose-igi here gets only a dusty old mansion?

Marche:  …Maybe he’s albino?

Recamen: Albino? You’re forgetting that Luigi was outside in most of the previous Mario games, Marche.

Marche: Well, he could’ve been wearing extra strong sunscreen!

Recamen: That’s true, I never thought of that…

Luigi: I’m NOT wearing sunscreen!

Marche and Recamen: Oh.

Mario: Well, the fact is that I never need Luigi along to save Princess Peach.

Luigi:  Oh, please. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have even gotten into the Beanbean Kingdom in the first place!

Recamen:  He’s gotcha there, Mario. Do you have anything to say in your defence?

Mario:  …Uh, well… Points at Luigi. He smells!

Luigi:  I do not!

Mario:  Do too!

Luigi:  Do not!

Recamen:  Hey, shouldn’t Lyn have said something by now?

Marche:  Hm? Oh, she’s over there, trying to score with Pikachu.

Recamen:  Well, why didn’t you say so? That sounds way better than these two!

He completely ignores the ‘do not, do too’ argument in progress.

Lyn: Points at Pikachu.  Oh, wow! Thosche earsch are schoooo cool!

Pikachu:  Pika?

Lyn: *Hic* Hey baby, howsch about you and me come on over to my plasche and we’ll…

A drunken Jolteon staggers up and takes Pikachu.

Pikachu: (I think the beer must’ve been spiked big time…)

Jolteon:  Hey! That’sch my man!

Lyn:  No way! He’sch mine!

They grab Pikachu’s arms and start pulling

Recamen:  Wahahaha! This is better than ca… well no, cable sucks. Anyway, this is great!

Eventually, Rouge comes up and pulls Jolteon away from Pikachu before it has a chance to shock them silly.

Jolteon:  Pikachu! Dohn’t leave me!

Rouge hits him on the back of the head with a club.

Rouge:  Well, we’d better get going…

She spots Recamen.

Rouge:  You must be the new interviewer Jolteon’s been talking about.

Recamen:  Did he say I was cool?

Rouge:  Well, no, actually he said he liked pretty much everybody else, really…

Recamen: 

Rouge:  Anyway, I’ll see you; I wanna take advantage of Jolteon in this state.

Jolteon:  Woohoo!

Rouge:  To clean Pigma’s bathroom, since I was given a lot of jewels to do it!

Jolteon:  Nooooooooooo!

Rouge starts to scratch Jolteon behind the ears, and he goes into a trance.

Jolteon: Okay, I’ll do it.

Rouge: Oh, and you’ll get me MORE expensive jewels on the way back.

Jolteon: I’ll get Jason’s wages first chance I can get…

They leave. Meanwhile, Lyn finally has pikachu and is rounding first base with him.

Recamen: 0.0; Uh, Lyn? Maybe you’d better stop…

???:  Well, well, well, it looks as though Pikachu’s been enjoying his time away from us.

Marche:  Hey, that kind of sounds like…

Jessie:  Prepare for trouble!

James:  And make it double!

Jessie: To protect the world from copyright-tion,

James:  To unite all line-stealers within our nation…

Jessie:  To denounce the evils of Lyndis’s love…

Lyn is now making out with indecent enthusiasm with Pikachu, whose thundershocks are having no effect whatsoever on Lyn.

Jessie:  On second thought, I don’t think even we can denounce the evils of THAT!

Marche:  Aw, it’s Team Rocket!

Ash:  Hey, that’s my line!

Recamen:  Thank you, Marche, for stating the obvious. Anyway, what do you three want?

Meowth:  Revenge!

Marche:  For what?

James:  Earlier on in this Interview, you three stated ‘looks like Team Recamen’s blasting of again’! And that’s our line!

He points an accusing finger at Recamen.

James:  You have disgraced the name of Team Rocket!

Insert dramatic pause here

Recamen:  …Riiiiiight.  Anyway, Luigi, now that you’ve stopped arguing and beaten Mario up, why is it that Mario is shorter than you?

Luigi:  Oh, that’s because he didn’t eat his vegetables.

Jessie:  Hey! Will you at least pay attention to us!?

Recamen:  Nah, even boring old Luigi here is way more interesting than you two!

Luigi:  Hey! Is that an insult?

Marche:  No duh, Sherlock.

Ash:  Okay, that does it! Pikachu, you’re coming with me!

He grabs Pikachu.

Pikachu:  Pikachu Pi! (Translation: I never thought I’d say this, but thank God Ash was here!)

Lyn:  Noooo! Pikashu, dohn’t leave me! *Hic*

Wolf:  *Sigh* Just once, I’d like some beautiful woman to do that to me…

Recamen:  Damn, I’m cool!

Marche:  What exactly does THAT have to do with anything?

Recamen:  Nothing, I’m just saying I’m extremely cool.

Marche:  You’re extremely loony…

Team Rocket is angrier than Fara Phoenix interrupted from a shopping spree.

Jessie:  That does it! We thought we’d be nice and spare your lives, but since you don’t seem to care… Cya!

They leave the pub.

Recamen:  Hm. I would’ve thought that if they were going to kill us, they’d have…

The door to the pub is smashed open, and an AT-ST steps in, aiming its laser cannons at Marche and Recamen.

Marche:  You were saying?

Recamen:  That’s it? I was expecting a lot worse…

Another loud SMASH comes, this time from the wall. The pub customers look up and find an AT-AT this time, its laser cannons pointed at no one in particular.

Recamen:  I don’t know. There’s still something missing…

Another loud smash announces the arrival of Mack and a group of Shyster guards.

Mack:  Sorry we’re late! We ran into traffic!

Jesse’s voice comes over the radio.

Radio: Doesn’t matter. Kill those three fools!

Marche:  Satisfied?

Recamen:  Yeah, this’ll work.

The Imperial Walkers and Mack and his goons swamp the Interviewers.

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Meanwhile, back at Starwing HQ…

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Jason McCloud: Hey! What the heck happened to my paycheck!?

Jolteon: Er, no clue. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must leave on a matter that has absolutely nothing to do with using your paycheck to buy jewels for Rouge.

He leaves.

Jason McCloud: Oh, okay, I guess… Hey, wait a second!

He takes off after Jolteon.

 

And now for something completely different: The Epilogue!

Howdy! Once again, this is Recamen. Needless to say, Lyn, Marche, and I were massacred by the Walkers and… stuff, so once again we’re at Starwing A&E Ward! Over nearby is Meowth. Apparently there was some sort of line dispute…

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The Meowth balloon is nearly hit by a Wolfen II, piloted by Wolf.

Meowth:  What the heck?

Wolf:  That does it! No one takes my line and gets away with it!

He fires lasers on the balloon.

Team Rocket: Looks like Team Rocket’s getting shot down agaaaaain!

Bing!

…Oh yeah, I almost forgot! We even got hospital loyalty cards now, so we get 10% off our hospital bills for each time we wind up here! And maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll give Recamen a free brain… Thank you, Lyn, but I can write this. Anyway, it’s getting late, so this is Recamen, saying, ‘So long, suckers’!

 

And last, but not least, the copyrights…

Team Rocket, Pikachu, and Ash Ketchum are © to Pokemon. (Someone told me how to do the © symbol now! Woohoo!)

Fox and the Starwolf and Starfox people are © to Starfox.

Mario and Luigi are © to Nintendo, as are the Beanbean and Mushroom Kingdoms. Also, Mack and the Shysters are © to Super Mario RPG, which is © to Nintendo also. By the way, for those of you not in the know, the Beanbean Kingdom is in Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga for Game Boy Advance.

Marth and Lyn are ©to Fire Emblem, Marche to Square Enix, and lastly, me to myself. (I’m so cool!)

???: That’s it!

Sephiroth comes in and throws Recamen out of a five-storey window.

Recamen: Uh, see you next time when we interview Kirby and Link! (Looks toward ground) I hope…

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