A Starbucks Café in Ivalice
Recamen: How the heck did a Starbucks Café get here, anyway?
Author: I don’t know, just shut up and get on with it!
Recamen: Okay, okay! Sheesh…
He turns around to the other two losers
Marche: We are not losers!
He turns around to the other two los… er, I mean, um… former video game thespians.
Marche: Close enough… Anyway, you were asking something about looking for assistant interviews?
Recamen: Yes, that’s right; I am looking for two assistants in my interviews. I take it you two are interested, then?
Marche: Yup. Since Lyn and I are no longer used in any games these days, we thought we’d sign.
Recamen: And you’re aware of the dangers involved with this extremely insane job?
Lyn: Let’s see here… We have the usual pervert convention that I have to annihilate…
Lyn: …A low chance of success, and a high chance of the usual death from a nuclear warhead or whatever…
Recamen: And getting paid ridiculous amounts of cash.
Marche: Deal! Where do we sign?
Recamen: Shows them a clipboard. Here and here.
Marche: Ok, then! Let’s do it, Lyn!
Recamen: Ha! You fools didn’t know that by ‘ridiculous’, I meant absolutely nothing, since your ancientness has led you to finding only this job left! Bwahahahaha!
Lyn: (‘Ancientness’?) Er, but we didn’t even sign it yet…
Recamen: Oh. Um, I was referring to, um, my victims… er, I mean, the people to be interviewed. Yeah. They’re, uh… not getting any Twinkies for doing this interview.
Marche: Signs paper of death. And they are…? Starts drinking some of his coffee.
Recamen: The Starfox and Starwolf teams!
Marche forcefully spits out his mouthful of coffee straight into Recamen’s face and starts coughing.
Recamen: (Sarcastically) Thank you so much for letting me taste your coffee, Marche.
He wipes his face off with a napkin.
Marche: Oh, you’re welcome!
Lyn: Finally signs paper of death. You’ll find it pretty easy to convince Marche about stuff, like leprechauns and how Bill Gates can actually be cool.
Recamen: Don’t be stupid, Lyn, everybody knows leprechauns are extinct! Homer Simpson said so himself! And nobody could be convinced… is it part of the job or something to hate Bill Gates…? Oh, well. Let’s get moving!
They leave the café…
…And arrive in a currently undisclosed location…
Marche: Where are we?
Recamen: Basically, we’re out in the middle of nowhere, and what’s more is I forgot to tell the interviewees where we would be.
Lyn: So basically, we’re just standing here hoping that they’ll just randomly show up out of nowhere, is that right?
Recamen: Yes, unless you’ve got a better idea.
Lyn: Well, we could just go back to your “Starwing HQ” and ask for some method of finding them or…
Recamen: OR we could let the master do the work! Makes a show of clearing his throat.
I hope a plot hole doesn’t dump out Starfox and Starwolf right now!
Recamen: Uh, yes sir, I REALLY don’t want Starfox and Starwolf to dump out of a plot hole right now…
Five hours later
Recamen: Will any plot holes in this area please refrain from dumping out… Aw, forget it! These plot holes suck!
Marche: Maybe you have to hope for them to fall out of one, rather than not?
Recamen: Don’t you mock me! Nobody says, ‘I hope Starfox and Starwolf will fall out of a plot hole right now!’ anymore!
The spaceships of Starfox and Starwolf promptly fall out of a plot hole, Fox’s Arwing landing straight on top of Recamen as the Starfox and Starwolf teams climb out. (Thank God it wasn’t Pigma’s ship, that guy weighs more than Fat Bastard… -Author.)
Fox: Well, we got dumped out of a plot hole, so I guess this is the place… Is either of you named Recamen?
Lyn: No, Recamen is the one you crushed under your Arwing.
Falco: Ah, who cares? Recamen sounds like a real loser to me…
Fox’s Arwing is rapidly pushed up from underneath.
Recamen: What did you just say?
Falco: That you sound and look like a total loser!
Recamen picks up the Arwing and holds it like a club.
Recamen: Never… Smashes Falco with the Arwing.
insult… Smashes him again with it.
my… Smashes him yet again.
EGO!!! Pulls out a rocket launcher and destroys Falco’s remains, then gasps for breath.
Lyn: Cool, my duty of killing off the perverts is half done already!
Peppy: What a terrible thing to say!
Lyn: Oh don’t worry, the camera’s not on.
Peppy: Oh. In that case… Hallelujah, Falco is dead!
Fox and Slippy: Hooray!
Recamen: Right, well… Pulls a camera out of nowhere, sets it on a stand, and turns it on.
Hello, there! I am Recamen, a human thief from Ivalice, here today with Lady Lyndis of Caelin and Marche Radiuju to interview Starfox and Starwolf!
Wolf: Well, why can’t it be Starwolf and Starfox? We’re way cooler than them, even if we do have Andrew!
Fox: You guys are not!
Wolf: We are too!
Fox: Are not!
Wolf: Are too!
Fox: Are not!
Wolf: Are too!
Fox: Are not!
Recamen: Will you two STOP!?
Fox and Wolf suddenly freeze. Recamen pays a nearby Moogle Time Mage a twenty.
Moogle Time Mage: No problem, kupo!
Leon: Why did he say “kupo” at the end of every sentence?
Recamen: It’s just something that Moogles say whenever they talk. I don’t think it’s a curse word; don’t worry about it. Anyway, I guess I’ll ask, uh… Leon the first question. Leon, would you say you are definitely the second best among the Starwolf team?
Leon: Well, I’m certainly a lot more careful about what I eat than Pigma…
Pigma: But I’ve told you a million times, I’m the runt of the family!
Leon: I don’t even think the fattest members of your family have eaten in just the past two minutes…
He takes out a short list.
Leon: 12 Kremlings dancing, 11 Hedgehog Quills, 10 Venomian Soldiers, 9 Super Monkey Ball monkeys…
Meanwhile, in Pigma’s stomach…
Aiai: Well everyone, I think I’ve found a way out of Pigma! Points downward.
It’s not very pretty, but it’ll have to do!
Gongon: Well, we’d better get moving. I want to get back to eating bananas!
The monkeys move on, Monkey Ball Style!
Meanwhile, back outside, in a relatively safe…
Recamen: Since when do ‘interview’ and ‘safe’ go together?
Author: A relatively safe place compared to Pigma’s digestive system, I mean.
Leon: …all 3 pieces of the Triforce, and 2 whole mounds of food bigger than Falco’s ego! You’re even eating Recamen right now!
Pigma: Huh? Oh.
Recamen: (Muffled) Help! Get me outta here!
Pigma pulls a spit-covered Recamen out of his mouth.
Pigma: Sorry about that.
Recamen: (Nervously) Er, no harm done. Moves behind Marche to put some distance between himself and Pigma.
What about Andrew, Leon?
Leon: Well, it’s pretty much self-explanatory. Just ask him a question, and you’ll see.
Recamen: All right, then. Andrew, what do you intend to do once you become Emperor?
Andrew: Well one day, I was playing in a sandbox, and I met this Pikachu, and he told me to burn things!
Recamen: Huh. I would’ve thought Andrew would be some half-pervert half-two year old. The fact that he’s following in Andross’s footsteps is surprising!
He takes out a pad and starts writing the words ‘Note to self: Burning stuff is no longer cool’.
Recamen: Also, Slippy: If this was the second week of December and we were interviewing and Marche was wearing a viking outfit and it happened to be sunny outside, what would we do?
Slippy: Bring a can and play Spin the Bottle! Yay!
Everyone pictures the thought in their minds.
Slippy is promptly frozen.
Recamen: Hands the Moogle Time Mage another twenty. Thanks again!
Lyn: Are you following us around all day just to do this!?
Moogle Time Mage: Lady, he’s putting my kids through Mage School, kupo!
He leaves again.
Marche: By the way, where’d that question come from?
Recamen: Hey, I had to think hard to come up with that question!
Lyn: Using all three brain cells?
Recamen: Yes, using all three… hey!
Recamen: Well anyway, since Fox has come back in time, I guess I’ll ask him now. Fox, who the heck is Fara Phoenix?
Fox: Well, she’s my fiancée, and I really couldn’t have any other girl but her.
Recamen: Get out of here! In other people’s interviews, you always say she’s a bitch! In fact, I rather agree with you, she is a bitch! What on earth possessed you to say she’s the love of your life?
Fox: Oh, there’s lots of things. For instance, the fact that you know she’s the kind who’s always around when you say stuff like that…
Recamen: Why are you pointing behind me, Fox? Is there some way you thought of to be a pervert to Lyn in a futile attempt to score with her?
Fox: No, more like the fact that Fara’s standing not two feet away from you.
Recamen looks behind himself with a feeling of impending doom.
Recamen: Er, but she’s not behind me, Fox…
Fara: No, because I’ve been standing in FRONT of you the entire time.
Marche: Whoa! I didn’t even see her there until now! She’s like a ninja! …Well, it was nice knowing you, Recamen.
Lyn: Yeah, we’ll let Jolteon know you’ll no longer be interviewing!
Recamen: Oh. Crap.
Fara: And now, of course, I’ll have to kill you all for calling me a bitch. So long!
She gets into her ship and takes off.
Recamen: Er, but if she wanted to kill us, wouldn’t she just strangle us all or something?
Wolf is now finally unfrozen.
Wolf: Hm, guess she plans to give you and Fox a shopping spree.
He eyes Lyn over.
Wolf: Hey baby, how’s about you and me…
Lyn draws her sword.
Marche: Um, guys? Look.
He points upward, revealing an Uncle Caiman’s Homemade Nuclear Grenade heading straight towards them.
Recamen: Aw, nuts! I wanted to go on that shopping spree so badly, too!
Everyone looks at Recamen worriedly.
The nuclear grenade is about to land, when it stops.
Nuclear Grenade: Thank you for purchasing an Uncle Caiman’s Homemade Nuclear Grenade. Please prepare to be blown into a million pieces and have a nice day!
Recamen: Wow, it’s so polite!
Everyone else: …Shut up.
The Grenade blows them all into a million pieces, except for Pigma, who saw a mirage of a buffet restaurant in the distance and ran off. Don’t ask me how he was able to run, I just… Smacks self anyway…
And so, verily they went to the Epilogue!
Reader: Hello, Dr. Nick! …Er, Recamen!
Well, as if it wasn’t obvious, my comrades and the starfox and starwolf teams had to be sent to the Starfox A&E ward. Naturally, most of us are in recovery from nuclear radiation and being sown back together after being blown into a million pieces. However, the doctors were able to put Fox back together in only two minutes, though I’m not sure why…
Fara: That’s right, I’m taking Fox on a shopping spree, and he needs to be healed. Now.
Nurse Joy: And if we refuse…?
Fara points to a large force of Black Hole Neotanks
Fara: They get to use you for target practice.
Nurse Joy: …Uh, right away, Ma’am! Can we get you anything while you wait?
Anyway, whatever it was, Fox’s sudden return to health has mysteriously left the hospital bankrupt. Ah well. Anyway, Pigma is also with us. Although he escaped the nuclear grenade, for some reason they brought him here after nine monkeys beat him up in his toilet. Strange… why would they hide in Pigma’s toilet… unless… nah! Anyway, until next time, this is Recamen, saying ‘So long, folks’!
And so, they went on a daunting quest to find the copyrights, revealing…
Recamen is copyright to yours truly. (And don’t you forget it!)
Marche is copyright to Square Enix.
Lyn is copyright to Fire Emblem, which is copyright to Nintendo, or something…
The Starwolf and Starfox teams (Fara included) are copyright to the Starfox series as well.
Aiai and the Monkeys are copyright to Sega; Kremlings are copyright to Rare. Oh yeah, and Nurse Joy is copyright to Pokemon.
Black Hole and neotanks, are copyright to Advance Wars 2. And finally (hooray, the last one!) Dr. Nick and Homer Simpson are copyright to Fox.
Anything else, I’ll let you figure it out!
See you again when we interview Mario and Luigi!